Blood on the pavement

Last night was tremendous. I’m just saying is all. Some of my best friends showed up at trivia and while we didn’t place we certainly had the best time. Hollering and hell raising is what we do and we did it well. The only price I paid was inadvertently staying up until 4 am. I’ve been dragging today but here it is 7 minutes to five and I’m feeling stronger and stronger. Something tells me I’ll have a margarita in me before long. Anything to forget the wave of violence gripping this neighborhood, things are getting touch and go out there. Yesterday morning a woman was shot at Haight and Webster, an intersection I walk through at least twice a day. If I hadn’t stopped at the bank I probably would have been passing through just as the shooting happened. As it was I missed being at the scene by mere minutes. Yesterdays shooting came in the wake of a weekend of senseless violence. Saturday morning a former client of this facility was murdered just after 9:30 a.m. He was 20; the young man who murdered him was 16. I’m certain there isn’t a person in the world who could adequately explain why this happened. It’s just two more young black men caught in a circle of perpetual violence. The assailant is sitting at YGC, probably praying they try him as a juvenile and praying that his court appointed attorney shows up and tries to advocate for anything less then a life behind bars. The mood around here is tense, people aren’t smiling at each other and everyone is pointing fingers. Endemic violence is a tough topic to tackle, I certainly don’t pretend that I have any answers; all I can do is feel the tension and bad energy around me, amongst my coworkers and within this neighborhood.

After all of this I was ready for a fun night out, thankfully last night delivered.

anxious all day

my stomach has been shaking all day, the way it used to when I was a kid and I knew I was in some kind of trouble. all I can do is call it anxiety even though I don't have much to be anxious about. i have a certain baseless fear that someone close to me will soon betray me. i have drank all kinds of cherry pepto-bismo today and it hasn't helped for shit.

please be kind to me world.

(my boss just brought me a bowl of home-made bread pudding. and jesus fuck was it good.)

i'm still anxious but at least I am full of goodness.

trivia and darts tonight. i need this like bitter brian needed claire.

so fun/so far/Iies

I am having trouble convincing people to immediately purchase Coachella tickets.

This needs to happen before the end of the week or a good many of us will be left in the cold.

Sunday singles are moving for 200 each.

The hustle and hustle side of me is looking and looking. I'll find something.

We saw Radiohead in 04 for significantly less then those around us paid.

There are ways around all of this.

catching a break

When the working man catches a break he humbly accepts said break and gets working harder. My dad hit a royal the other night and I caught a break today. We're both riding a little higher on the hog then before. Unlike the past several weekends this weekend exists as an absolute blank slate. I have my apartment to myself, no one is spending the night and no one expects anything from me. Things are looking up, at least for the short term.

OK Rockers, we're ending things on a good note. I'm going to see the recruiter tomorrow, cross your fingers I don't wake up in Iraq.

today could have been...

maybe the most defeating day I have ever had at this job. Everything I have done has been reactionary based upon other people not taking care of their own business. Supplies have been stolen from my office, I missed lunch because our staff and clients regularly waste food and I have been unable to get anything of substance done. They changed our benefits and now I can't visit a dentist in San Francisco without paying higher premium. Most annoying is this: I have worked here for two years and yet today people have been treating me like a temp admin assistant that can barely figure out how to unlock the front door. I am not convinced that agreeing to work by myself in this office was the right choice. The money isn't right and I'm not sure it will compensate for the strain days like today are going to take on me. I do not work well when all I am doing is counter punching against incompetence. It got so bad that I briefly considered an ill-advised 370 dollar purchase, money I have but I surely shouldn't be spending on impulse. And it all becomes impulse when everything you do is based on things that other people have already done around you. I am not interacting with my environment as much as I am letting my environment dictate my decisions and how I spend my energy. In as much as this is partially my job it is also the part I am poorest at and the part that brings me the most unhappiness.

if you keep drinking like that you will die

i haven't done shit today besides all the work i normally do. it still feels like i haven't done much because i have been in a haze all day long. last night wasn't a good night, it was a trainwreck. i had fun though, i love going out and hitting the streets. i could have done without yelling at people's voicemail, being belligerent, telling inappropriate stories and kissing that one girl. (it wasn't a real kiss, just enough for me to know I could have gone further and enough to send jess and i running off giggling.) of course no one is interested in me so no one cares when i put myself out at the bitter end. and that probably won't be changing much anytime soon. if i want a girlfriend i should probably cut down on my overall general belligerence. it could be my absolute worst quality. that and the rage and my drinking and gambling.

all bad it is.

i don't have much to write today because my mind is still on yesterdays crushing defeat. the song for today is lost cause by beck. sometimes my life feels like a lost cause. when it feels this way i always think i should go and join the army. if i was in iraq i'd be fearful of losing my life and the desire to live would become the cause i have seemingly lost. it is remarkablly selfish for me to desire the threat of death so i can feel alive. i hate that thought in me but it is still there.

treading water. treading and treading and treading and treading and treading and slowly drowning. at least i'm going down swinging belligerently.

untitled

Yeah.

Today started well and got sad. This isn’t the place to run down what happened, suffice to say I got my hopes sky high about something and then the bottom fell out. I have always had poor acceptance about things that are ultimately beyond my control.

And I’m sad, defeated, without faith and without plans.

I’ll solve this by sneaking a bottle of Wild Turkey into the Ryan Auffenberg show at the Make Out Room.

This is horrible.

who wants to go?

the plan is...what actually happened

Everything not in parenthesis was written last friday. It was a plan for a wholesome weekend. Everything is parenthesis was written today and it explains what actually happened.


Stay out of trouble this weekend.

No blacking out (I almost didn't black out), no three digit bar tabs (success), no excessive gambling (I'm an addict), no whoring (yikes, I whored like a whore all weekend), eat well (when quiznos is the healthiest thing you ate then you know you didn't eat well), go to the gym (no), read my book (3 pages), watch football (yes, but mostly for gaming purposes), be kind (I'm always nice to Jess).

No thinking about girls (confidential), no thinking about mayhem (I almost caught the Bitter End on fire).

Clean my apartment (Ha!!), do laundry (yes).

Buy Cake tickets (got em, Bimbos in March). Think about buying Muse tickets (Still thinking). Consider calling Southwest about booking a flight (Nevermind). Eat plenty of toast (I ate Burger King instead). After all, it is my favorite food by far (Still true). Return phone calls (play phone tag). Pray for the Giants (Always).

Go to church (sorry...). Have virtue (if last night doesn't count then I'm fine).

And prepare. I have this strange feeling I am about to be betrayed. I want to be prepared for when it happens.

I am not going out in the Marina tonight (Does the mafia room count?)!!

Have a good weekend Rockers. Cross your fingers for them Saints (they lost).

Ok. Ok. Ok.

The solution to my early week malaise might be for me to get on with getting on and actually start doing things. My raise has been finalized and my vacation time is adding up. Soon enough I’ll have my tax return and with it a few extra dollars in my pocket. I’ll be drinking Gentleman Jack for a change. That dude doesn’t mess around. In a bit of weird synergy, this week I have discovered the Myspace profiles of my two greatest enemies. I missed having enemies, not much else brings around pointless rage like hating someone you’ll probably never see again.

Wait!!!

I forgot the big news…after years of waiting I finally have an Ipod!! A real, working Ipod!!! Not some generic knock-off, the real thing!!!

It was nearly a year ago I wrote the following (and keep in mind this doesn’t detail my futile efforts this past year):

I thought I was the last person in the US without an Ipod. This isn't true though, stefo is also Ipod less. She says only white people have Ipod's but I saw a black guy with one on the Fillmore 22. He was listening to Dave Matthews and getting agitated so I suspect he probably robbed some downtown commuter. If he can't find a way to put some Yay Area rap on the damn thing he'll probably just pawn it in the mission.

There have been several times where I was very close to having the money necessary to finally buy an Ipod. Actually getting the fucking thing has been my own mystical quest. Almost like The Lord of the Rings (I don't know for sure thought because I never wasted three hours of my life watching little hobbits and elves fight each other with their little hands) but with more pain and sadness.

November 2003: I had the money but had to spend it on a new car battery and on legal fees related to a slew of parking tickets and one ill-advised fail to yield in a crosswalk.

April 2004: This time I made it as far as the Apple store when I realized I hadn't petitioned to graduate...that left me 50 dollars short. Instead of buying my Ipod I went to the Hut 11 straight nights spending almost 36 dollars per visit. It was a great spring quarter but I was without music.

June 2004: I was in full alcoholic mode this month and have no idea where I spent the 1000 dollars I made for graduation. I seriously have no clue where it went. Not the slightest.

November 2004: The good folks at Martin Building Company fired me for being an insolent prick. My savings were rapidly depleted by 6 weeks of unemployment and I was unable to have music delivered directly to me ears yet again.

November 2005: Despite being employed for 11 months I still hadn't saved the money necessary to finally purchase this fine musical accessory. I was close to winning it while playing blackjack at the Horseshoe but caught one bad shoe that basically raped me and my dignity.

Here we are in the opening days of 2006 and I am as far from my goal as ever. Hope does remain though, in a free market economy it is often best to outsource labor to minimize costs. If I can find the young man perplexed by the Dave Matthews Band being pumped into his brain I can pay him to steal me an Ipod and finally reach my promised land.



But now I holy fucking God have one!!! I’m almost scared my life is going to end.

Because even with an Ipod I still have the Mexican luck.

Thanks young lady. You’re the best.

decided

After seeing a myspace I had never seen before I was able to finally answer a question I sometimes ask myself.

Yes.

I could kill a man.

chasing my dream away

The good news is that the various puncture wounds on my hands are pretty much healed. Alcohol makes us do silly things. The bad news is the four hour season premier of 24 is over and I have to wait six more days to see what happens next. The forecast calls for torture, mayhem and bloodshed. Consider me excited.

Instead of going to the 540 Club for dollar drinks I spent the rest of last night watching St. Mary’s dismantle Gonzaga on ESPN. They played with all the courage Santa Clara was missing Saturday night. Even though they missed their free throws they still managed to pull off the upset, I’m sure their student body enjoyed storming the court. In the process they fucked up my two team parlay, officially putting me on the longest gambling cold streak of my life. I know I shouldn’t gamble but it makes me feel alive. I like feeling alive. Maybe I’ll pick a couple of winners this weekend and get back close to the plus side of things. It beats the fuck out of whatever I might be doing and because this is another weekend where I’ll be sitting around my apartment I won’t be doing much.

Almost every night I have vivid dreams and I can almost always remember them. I’ve never actually written down what I dream about but I am able to remember certain patterns and repeating motifs. Each of the last 6 nights I dreamt about chasing someone and I have woken up just as I was about to catch them. Each dream is going normally until this person shows up and some sort of pursuit begins. I’ve chased them across roof tops, all over a cruise ship and even through my apartment. Whenever this person slows down my ability to move slows down as well. If they were crawling I would be crawling and even when they fly I am able to fly but no matter what they do I’ve been unable to catch them until the very end and just when I’m certain they within my arms I wake up.

This has been problematic for me because I know the person that I’m chasing. I have not seen their face but I know the body, even as a silhouette it is a body I would recognize anywhere. Each night I chase and chase because I haven’t had the courage to stop, turn the other direction and walk away. This has all become a manifestation of one of my greatest faults, simply put, I never know when to turn and walk away. Two weekends ago as Zoo Station began playing 40 I had a moment of some clarity, as some of you may know that song traditionally closes U2 concerts, it is simple and almost always leads to a massive sing-a-long. The lyrics were cribbed from the Old Testament and the chorus is easy to remember:

I will sing, sing a new song.How long to sing this song?

When I think of it I’m reminded of how much energy I have wasted on the impossible. As harsh as it might be to some in my life it would probably be better for me if I found ways to move on from stagnant relationships. Yet I still sing the same song, chase the same people and wait desperately for time where all my faith will pay off. Tomorrow is January 17th, 59 days ago I had just returned from Spokane and I wrote a blog titled “seven nights backwards into the rising sun,” within this post I wrote the following: “I'm putting a 60 day limit on each of my ambiguous relationships. Come January 17th all bets will be paid and this chapter in my life will be closed. Hurry while I'm still here.”

As noted above, tomorrow is January 17th and things need to close. But they fucking won’t. Even what I try to let go of in my heart follows me into my dreams. How can I close these chapters in my life when they stick around in all the places I can’t reach? And what does closing them actually mean to me? Instead of chasing these answers in this space I am going to go on home. I have no idea what I am doing. I fell directionless and lost. I fear I am unable to make dynamic changes about my future and as such my life will pass me by. I hate feeling afraid. I hating wanting what I can’t have.

MLK

This could have been a great weekend but I hung too much hope on my alma mater. Santa Clara shit the fucking bed, much like they have every time I have ever wanted them to win. And let’s be serious, I only want them to win when they are playing Gonzaga. Their 77-69 loss wouldn’t bother me so much if I thought anyone at SCU actually cared about whether or not they won the game. I firmly believe we could beat Gonzaga if we had any heart. Santa Clara isn’t in the business of recruiting grit and when they do, through luck or other divine intervention, land a tough player, the Zags become a beatable team. Anyone who saw Doron Perkins in the 2004 WCC tournament knows what I mean. It would help if the student body could work up some genuine anger towards Gonzaga, merely showing up in mass isn’t enough. Long gone are the days when someone would paint Zags are Fags on their chest and the rest of us would actually start fights with rival fans. I almost attended the University of Miami and even though it is foolish to speculate on what that alternative college experience might have been like; I can surmise that their student body wouldn’t let Florida State fans drink at UM bars 20 minutes before a sold out game.

Two men were murdered on the 400 block of Haight St. just past midnight early Sunday morning. That makes six people who have been murdered within 400 yards of the front door of my facility since I began working here two years ago. All the reported evidence suggests the slayings were related to tensions between rival groups of drug dealers. The victims were both in their early 20’s. I am becoming more and more desensitized to the random violence in this neighborhood and in the lives of my clients. In a few minutes I walk up the hill and past the sidewalk where the murders took place. I will pause for a moments respect towards the dead but I will hardly notice the plastic flowers and Hennessey bottles. It is cold outside and I need to be getting home, besides that, it is never good to linger long in a killing zone and as long as the lower Haight supports dope slingers, gangs and killing as retaliation the area will remain a dangerous place.

I really don’t know what else to say about this. I am a professional non-profit administrator. This is part of what I do. I wish it wasn’t. This isn't what MLK died for.

cold hands

I was just briefly electrocuted by the ancient radio in my office. This minor shock (which made me jump ever so slightly) might be a sign of things to come; shocking things, dramatic life, moments of high tension and maybe an inspiring musical montage. Or maybe I’ll just stay out drinking all night and spend tomorrow talking about how the next day will be the day might life might start resembling a montage. Hopefully everything will come together as the Muse song “Starlight” plays loudly in the background.

Hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold
You in my arms

My life
You electrify my life
Let’s conspire to ignite
All the souls that would die just to feel alive


See. That would be very cool and it would fit in with me suffering a minor electrical shock. Suddenly everything would make sense, the two trips to Vegas, the two to Spokane, the big fuck-up, losing my staff, the east coast transplant, being sexually assaulted, dealing with little kids, the Golden Palms, wanting to escape, losing at darts, Macys, waiting for a letter that may never arrive, the hot table in tahoe, my cold bodog, and wanting to kiss her so bad by the fire…it all makes sense when I know who I want to hold in my arms and who electrifies my life. Their face would obviously flash across the screen during the chorus and by the end of the song we’d leap into each others arm and dart off into the sunset. Yet I don’t live my life on a 45 foot movie screen, no matter how badly I could use the energy and the sense of completion only a movie could bring.

And in unrelated news (at least to my desire to have my life be filled with movie montages), it has been fucking cold the last 2 nights. Not cold like Montana but certainly colder then this fair city is used to. When you live indoors and still find yourself shivering the night away you know it getting frigid. Nights like these beg for red wine, a blanket, DVDs and someone warm to sit close with, I’ll be settling for Thunderbird, a short sleeve t-shirt, drunk friends and hope for my movie montage.

Tomorrow I’m going to be in Santa Clara for the first time in seven months. I am going to drink a gallon of beer with the Pittbull and I am going to watch the Broncos kick the holy living fuck out of Gonzaga. The time for rousing victory is now, two years after bookman and I burned that couch on Bellomy St. I cannot promise that I will not engage in similar activities resulting in civic destruction and mayhem, I can only promise to have a smirk on my face when I walk out of Leavey and ponder everything the night could promise.

Say it with me Rockers:

Let’s go Broncos, Let’s go Broncos!!!

And remember, it’s cold out there, if starving like Marvin asks you for change for a cup of coffee you should probably give it to him; you’ll be sleeping in a bed while he sleeps in a doorway.

escape

In the past few days San Francisco has suddenly began to feel very small. I do not enjoy feeling trapped and right now I feel trapped. I’ve very seriously begun looking at ways to escape this town and get moving down some other road. When I first moved here I anticipated my stay would be brief, then a few things happened that kept me around. As recently as Tuesday afternoon I was comfortable with this and now 48 hours later I find myself jealous of anyone who has recently moved or who is starting a new adventure. I have some good ideas about where I’d like to go, both in the short-term and the long-term. If I could figure out the finances I could leave town tonight, however, the finances are almost always the hardest part and I have some serious saving to do. A second job will again be necessary, as will a serious commitment to getting on the road and taking some risks. For the longest time the biggest thing keeping me from this kind of adventure has been the lack of a traveling partner but I’m ready to risk going alone if it means I won’t have any more weeks like this one, weeks where I get on the bus and feel anxious to have so many other people around. Even my commute has been thrown off the past few days, the 22 was 25 minutes late yesterday and even more late today because an elderly man was hit and pinned beneath the bus. When getting to work gets hard it is probably time to get moving. I think I would be happier learning Spanish in Zihuatanejo even if it would cost me many of my hard earned friendships. Friendship is a relative idea, it is hard to define, hard to find and often quick to go. As I’ve written before, I am very fortunate to have the good friends that I do have. They look after me and keep me in check when I step over the line and get myself into trouble. They encourage me to keep my mouth shut when I start to get going about things I shouldn’t even be thinking about. When I think about leaving I wonder who will be around when I return and who will be people that just sit on the email list that I will probably send updates to. I guess that is a bridge I’ll cross when it appears in front of me, I have plenty to worry about in the mean time.

And sometimes I have to say a little prayer and ask the Lord to stop me from saying what is really on my mind. What I see as the truth is often much more harsh then what others themselves see. No one ever said I wasn’t the vicious type, especially when I think I see something that seems self evident and is it completely ignored. Sometimes I just want to tell people to shut their fucking mouths and take a look at what is actually happening around them. This when I say that little prayer and make with the proper song and dance. People already think I’m an asshole, I can’t imagine what they would say about me if they knew half the shit running through my head. It would probably only be Jess, Ryan, Stefo and Reg at my going away party. And maybe that wouldn’t be such a bad thing at all.

One more day till the 3 dayer, except for me because I never take MLK day off.

really?

...but when i come to a full stop i hope you will understand that the distance between us is not as great as it seems...

with deep affection

!@#$%^&*()

run run run

run run run

run run run


away.


814. come with me.

killer dan

The past several days have seen me pondering my life. The upheaval at work is over and even though I’m not completely satisfied with the outcome I will be earning a little bit more money every couple of weeks. It seems like I may have reached the upper limit of my earning potential at this job, even though I may be able to squeeze out a few pennies more if I become a state licensed non-profit administrator. Only time will tell if I have that kind of ambition or even whether or not I can even get a week of coverage to go and take the course and test.

And that at least is cut and dry. In fact, most of my life is pretty settled. I’ve been working here for two years; I’ve been in my apartment for almost two and a half and I’ve had the same groups of friends since before I can remember. Despite this there are always a few little bits of life to throw the balance all off kilter. Mostly girls throw it off. They’re what I think of when everything else seems to be going just fine.

I am still a romantic, no matter what my cynicism and hatefulness might suggest. Most of the time I can meet a girl, assess whether or not she’ll eventually sleep with me and then proceed accordingly, while I’m not Bill Gates, I do have a good feel for the business of hooking up. This business gets complicated whenever a girl catches my imagination. Then I find myself staying up late romanticizing things that are better left to business. I want to take the heart out of male/female interaction so I can get to sleep at night. Instead of focusing on romance and feelings and laughter I should only be thinking about what will get my dick wet next.

I imagine at least one of you winced upon reading that.

This fucking post isn’t going anywhere well.

I’ll try again tomorrow.

take me out. anyone.

I might be mere days away from owning my very own Ipod!! Or so I’ve heard. Maybe I don’t even deserve the magic music device; we all know I’ll be mostly listening to Ryan Adams and Radiohead, two groups that can leave me staring into the distance and separated from the whole world. What I want even more then an Ipod is to visit Madrid, unfortunately I am starting to realize that I probably won’t be making it to Europe any time soon.

I’m excited to see Zoo Station tonight, I'm planning on turning a 0 into a 1.

Remember rockers, we’re celebrating the little things these days.

And to close the third short week in a row I leave a little Rock n’ Roll for everybody:

(and you!!)





And everybody knows the way I walk
And knows the way I talk
Knows the way I feel about you
It's all a bunch of shit
And there's nothing to do around here
It's totally fucked
I'm totally fucked
Wish you were here


And if I could have my way
We'd take some drug and we'd smile
We'd smile
We'd smile
But not tonight, my dear
Wish you were here
Wish you were here
Wish you were here
Wish you were here

Hey Hey. I’m a working man.

It is Thursday January 4th and the holidays are over. Everything closed with a bang in south tahoe. The tables started hot and held warm for the whole trip, the Seahawks and 49ers won outright and no one was seriously hurt during the slap fights, wrestling matches and other shenanigans. At the stroke of midnight I had no one to kiss so instead I sprayed a previously hidden bottle of champagne over most of my friends. Thanks go to the following people for taking my mind off of San Francisco and helping me celebrate the New Year right: (714): bookman, bookman, jim, Z, rick and chambers; the rest: chedda, cote, grantsta, jeffsta, tre, alex, kristin, billy, monica, jesse, riehl deal, kelly, liver and briar of my racing heart.

I wish I could remember everything that happened those two nights even as I suspect it is better to be left with only some of the memories and the full realization that I have great friends and that my New Year’s was spectacular. And maybe I’ll learn to stop pinning so much hope on all the things that are hard to come by and will instead take joy and solace in what is often right in front of me. Sometimes you don’t have to climb the whole fucking mountain to see a great view.

And in what I suspect will become a long running NYE theme I spent much of the past few days thinking about this time last year. A year ago today I called in sick to work and spent one of the most beautiful days of my life with a woman I had just barely met. I cannot recall the sun ever being any brighter off the San Francisco Bay then it was that day. It was like God rolled back the season and brought us a perfect day of sunshine and warmth. All we had left to do was walk the city together. Between us we had less then 80 dollars and the full knowledge that the clock was slowly taking our time away. I don’t think we spent even a moment dwelling on the sadness that all our happiness would eventually bring. With certainty I can say those were the purest moments of friendship, affection and love my heart has ever experienced. It hurt badly to say goodbye but that was nothing compared to the life affirming process of saying hello.

It is 2007 and maybe I should start cleaning up my life. There are plenty of habits that I could prune away and end up stronger and more productive. As always it would be nice if I could just spend less time in my head and more time living that alive kind of life like they do in all the movies. I could stand to lose some weight and it might be good if I learned to eat better. Maybe I should pray more and swear less. But who the fuck really knows, I’ve learned there seems to be little direct correlation between the changes I make in my life and enjoying the things I value. Nothing could change and I could be happy, everything could change and I could be miserable. In the mean time I’m going to keep my eyes open and be ready for anything because I may just be on the edge of everything.

2007 stands to be a very interesting year.